I’ve been working on with my psychologist on trying to be aware of and honest about my feelings. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, to be hurt, to be scared, trying to let go of the strong, distant Fleur and embracing the Fleur who is stressed out by things, and who feels sad (and happy) about things. Getting in touch with myself I guess.
The only problem is that in the last week or so I seem to be having a LOT of feelings. I have been up and down and round and round trying to deal with stuff going on in my life. Is this what it feels like to be in touch with your feelings?
I’ve been wondering if it’s been hard for me because I don’t have that good a support network around me, I’ve let go of a few friendships recently that weren’t working for me anymore, or if maybe it’s because I’m dealing with some heavy stressful shit and anyone would be feeling a bit overwhelmed by it.
Or maybe it’s more to do with the fact that I’m allowing myself to feel vulnerable for the first time in my life. I’m allowing things to affect me and really being present to the emotions I feel at the time.
Or maybe it’s because I now recognise that I want and need support from people around me, support that I haven’t had in the past because I haven’t felt like I wanted it, but that now I do want it, people in my life have no idea how to give it to me. I haven’t taught them how to support me because I’ve always pushed them away.
Of course it’s likely to be a combination of all these things but it just feels like I’ve been crying a lot more in the last few weeks than I have in the past. I feel a bit like I did when I was a teenager and I had all these confusing feelings that I didn’t know how to control.
I’ve broken down a bunch of barriers, designed to keep me safe by bottling up my emotions and storing them away, but now that the barriers are down the flood comes crashing through.
I should really be more gentle on myself, I should allow myself time to learn how to deal with the person I am becoming, with the fragility and sensitivity that I’ve always had but have never allowed to show. I have to develop my friendships, both old and new, and teach people how to love and support me; I can’t expect that after (sometimes) years of not needing it they should suddenly be able to turn it on.
There is an impatience in how I’m feeling at the moment, an intolerance for the pain, an unrealistic expectation of how long it takes to rebuild my life and redevelop my relationships to suit who I am becoming that I need to let go of too.
What I am trying to say with this post? Well, I’m not really sure. What I do know is that I’ve never been happier with where I am in life. I’ve never felt my sadness to the same depth. I feel like I’m learning to love myself again and trying to teach other people how to love me. It’s a long and unfamiliar road but I wouldn’t turn back for anything.
Mostly it just helps to say, hey this is the right path, but damn sometimes it hurts.